Is this the life I really want to live?

“Ideally, what should be said to every child, repeatedly, throughout his or her school life is something like this: ‘You are in the process of being indoctrinated. We have not yet evolved a system of education that is not a system of indoctrination. We are sorry, but it is the best we can do. What you are being taught here is an amalgam of current prejudice and the choices of this particular culture. The slightest look at history will show how impermanent these must be. You are being taught by people who have been able to accommodate themselves to a regime of thought laid down by their predecessors. It is a self-perpetuating system. Those of you who are more robust and individual than others will be encouraged to leave and find ways of educating yourself — educating your own judgements. Those that stay must remember, always, and all the time, that they are being moulded and patterned to fit into the narrow and particular needs of this particular society.”

― Doris Lessing

Traveling alone through Costa Rica this past month has shown me a lot about who I naturally am, independent from outside forces and expectations. When we are with others, we adopt their mannerisms and opinions; we mold ourselves to fit into specific expectations. I feel as though the majority of this molding happens without us noticing. Overtime we become the average of those we spend the most time with, and it can be difficult to leave this level of comfort behind. Not only that, but we mold ourselves to fit the environment we are in, and this can cause a lot of strain in one’s life if they are constantly forced to fit into something that is completely unnatural.

I feel as though a lot of my life I have been trying to fit into something that is not me. The society we are in values certain things that I have realized I just do not care about. A sense of security is a big thing for many people. Buying a house, a car, having a family, staying in one location with one job for many years, or even perhaps for one’s entire life is a big part of the “American Dream.” To me, this seems like a trap. We create a prison around ourselves with this debilitating sense of security. It prevents us from exploring more, meeting new people, having new experiences, finding ourselves. Perhaps this is why many people are depressed and anxious. They need something different in their lives, they need to change something, but for whatever reason choose to stay in place.

I am a person who constantly needs novelty. I thrive from uncertainty. But my life, especially at university, is structured to the minute. My life is built around deadlines, homework, and exams. My life doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to the education system. It belongs to a capitalist system that values material possessions over human connections. It belongs to the government, who I owe thousands of dollars in student loans. I don’t want this lifestyle anymore. I want my freedom, I want to explore, I want to understand our earth and see its beauty, I want to have beautiful experiences with incredible people from all over the world.

As my trip comes to an end, I need to return to this lifestyle that is not me, that I don’t fit into, that I never fit into. I need to put my life on hold for a few months and wait to start living again. Sometimes I think, why don’t I just start living now? Why do I even need to finish university? Does it really matter? And honestly I don’t know the answers to these questions. It is really hard to know. I guess there is still a small part of me that is convinced I need to finish, I have already done so much, I do not have much to go. But at the same time, another part of me wonders what would happen if I just chose to leave it all behind?