Airport Feelings

As I stand here in the airport, waiting in line to check my bag, a million thoughts run through my mind. How is it that time passes so quickly? It seems like yesterday I was at another airport on my way to Panama, with tears in my eyes and an intense longing for new experiences. I had no idea what to expect back then. I was a different person. I thought differently and acted differently. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly what my changes have been this summer, as I have been there through it all, experiencing it ever so gradually. Maybe I am more confident in myself? Maybe I understand who I am better? Maybe I am just a different person when I am abroad? Who knows, really.

These changes I have experienced will make it difficult for me to return to my prior life. I need to adjust to this return as if I am adjusting to another foreign country, another new experience. But, then I will leave again. And again. And again. Each time I will experience these profound changes. The person who is writing this is lacking some special knowledge from the person who will be reflecting on their (my) experiences a year from now.

Sometimes I feel quite lost in my life. Am I meant to travel forever? Should I settle down one day? How do I even know what I want with this little time I have to experience life? Will I ever get used to life on the road and start to feel stagnant? Sometimes I do feel stagnant, like I am watching the same cycle repeat itself over and over again. Like there is nothing more to life than the same fucking thing day in and day out. But other times I want to live forever, I feel infinite, I feel in touch with the universe. I wonder if others feel the way I do. I wonder if they question what they are doing on a daily basis. I wonder if they feel lost and like life is meaningless sometimes. How do others deal with these emotions that are so difficult to put into words? Do they experience it alone? Do they merely distract themselves with another beer and a new series on Netflix?

These distractions we partake in, to ignore our emotions are dangerous. Maybe for a short period of time, they can provide relief, but at what cost? They prevent us from thinking critically about our lives, about the decisions we are making, about who we want to be.

I am a firm believer in the idea that we are how we spend our time, but if all we do day in and day out is scroll through social media, obsess over our appearance, drink alcohol and watch TV, then are we really full and complete people? Does this make us all the same? Dull and void of deep emotions and longings?

My mind runs so quickly that it is hard for me to keep up with my thoughts. As I write, I hop from one topic to the next, wondering if it is cohereant and connected or just my stream of conciousness running wild. I wonder if others can understand me. I wonder if I will ever be able to fully express what is going on inside my mind or if it’s just a fruitless effort. I wonder if every mind works like this. Or some minds? I dont know.

Anyways, it is my turn now to check in my bag. Until next time.