Patterns of Negativity

Life is too short to let yourself be undervalued. It is too short to accept toxic relationships, to accept people who don’t see your worth. But it is easy to let this happen, to stay in a relationship, or a friendship, or even continue talking to a family member if they make you feel shitty.

We get stuck in patterns. Patterns that hinder us, but are difficult to let go of. Our routines become a part of who we are. Our trauma and the dark feelings many of us hold inside form our personalities. We think our personalities, or I guess one could call it our egos, are us. But, they are not. They are moldable. Everything is moldable. We can change every single aspect of ourselves if we try, if we want to, if we are willing to.

The people we surround ourselves with, how we spend our time, our career, our hobbies, everything we do determines who we are. If any aspect of these makes us unhappy, then it inflicts harm on us and how we see ourselves and how we view the world.

True peace, I believe, is something we must find within ourselves, intrinsically. Nobody else can do this for you. Words of affirmation from others and positive attention are only temporary boosts to your ego and relying on these makes you dependant on others for happiness. But, others can be unreliable. Others can hurt us, they can leave, they can misunderstand. The only one who will always be there for you is yourself.

We must have a good relationship with ourselves. We must be gentle and understanding of our mistakes. We cannot be too harsh. Self love is the most important kind of love. Self reliance is vital, and dependance on others can be a risk.

I have spent so much of these past months alone. I have gotten to know myself in very deep ways. I don’t think anyone knows me the way I now know myself. I think, in a way, I have become my own best friend. I know how to calm myself when I am feeling down. I no longer see being alone as being lonely. I value my solitude. I value myself and everything that I am. But, it took me a long time to reach this point. I struggled for years with mental illness. I didn’t like myself and that’s why I was so unhappy. I needed others to make me feel complete. I let others’ opinons about who I am determine who I was. I gave words too much power over me. I surrounded myself by people who didn’t care about me.

I got stuck in negative patterns. A cycle of self hatred and toxicity. But, I’ve realized that I am in control of my life. I have the power to choose who I want to spend my time with. I can make myself the person I want to be. My emotions and my thoughts used to be difficult to handle. My emotions were intense and my thoughts were often negative self judgements. I held on to negativity and wouldn’t let it go. But, now I understand the value of negative emotions and thoughts.

I understand they are signals from our bodies, telling us that something is wrong in our lives. Something is making us unhappy and unfilled that we need to change. Negative emotions are just emotions and they do not last forever. We should listen to them and respond with a solution, but we should never hold on too tightly.

As I write this, I am releasing the negativity from my body. I am turning negativity into self reflection and understanding. I intrisically found a way to calm myself down, and for that I am grateful.