The Perils of Floating

Many of my closest friends don’t know each other. They are not connected by a uniform group, but merely random individuals from many different areas, with differing interests and personalities.

I find groups and connect with maybe one or two people on a profound level. If I can’t make it to this level with someone, they cease to be a priority in my life.

For years I’ve struggled with finding my place. I’ve joined and left many friend groups. Each group, it seems, takes on the personality of the “leader.” The more time a group of people spend together, the more they become the same. I’ve watched this happen again and again throughout my life. Through different groups of people. Different cliques. Same story.

I don’t understand these dynamics, to be honest. I dont understand how people can stay together for so long. Maybe it’s a problem with me? Maybe I am too picky about who I choose to spend my time with? Maybe I can’t force connections – or merely accept connections that aren’t there.

So again and again, I continue this same pattern. Leaving with a few soul friends and moving onto another group. I feel lonely sometimes because it is a constant process of moving, readjusting, connecting, and moving again. Many people don’t stay for long. Many people never break the barrier between friend for the time being and friend for life.

I wonder if I should try harder. I wonder if others can relate to these feelings. Is my “place” one singular area? Do I really have a home?

Perhaps because much of my life has been spent moving around between different houses, parents, school districts, towns, friends, and families, I don’t have a place to call home. Maybe I will never fully understand where I belong.

Is this an issue? Can it be a strength as well as a weakness? Do we need a home to feel complete, or is that what has been socialized in us throughout the course of our lives?

This lack of a singular place I can call my own has led me to have some pretty interesting experiences. I may be floating, but I am not tied to anything. I don’t hold myself back. Or rather, there is nothing that is holding me back. I don’t need to stay in one area because I know that I will be able to adjust to another. I don’t need to attach myself to friends because I know the true ones will stay no matter the distance or time.

I am aimlessly drifting through the air, letting myself be swept up for short periods of time through strong gusts of wind. I cower under the dark clouds overhead and relent to the pounding of raindrops. Sometimes I almost reach the point of breaking, but I don’t. Because in every random place, there is a friend ready to bring me back down to earth. And at times like these, only one is necessary.

After some time, I must continue my journey. The sky is blue, there’s not a cloud in sight, and it is time to meet someone new.