Complete Burnout

It’s so easy to spend every single part of my day in this continuous state of distraction. Constantly checking tasks off of my to-do list, watching Netflix, mindlessly scrolling through social media, I waste so much time. I’m not really sure what I’m doing myself most of the time. I think maybe the work is important for some greater reason somehow, but I cannot delude myself into thinking that everything I’m doing at all times is completely essential. 

Even when there is nothing I need to do, I still feel an urge to keep going. I fill my empty moments reading books, hanging out with friends, and planning for the future. The few moments I allow myself to just be, to solely exist, I feel my mind racing and my body vibrating with energy. 

When every single moment of every single day is filled with some sort of activity, it’s hard to bring my body to rest. An object in motion stays in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force. This can apply to our lives as well. If we keep going and going and going, then the only thing that will stop this stream of activity is something outside of ourselves. 

Although, I suppose that something inside of myself could also force me to stop and reassess. Sometimes my body tells me that I need to slow down. Relax. Stop always being busy. But, when I have six papers due and four tests in a week, I ignore these signals. I ignore them so much so that I have no idea what my body needs the majority of the time to feel okay. I never notice how exhausted I really am until I completely burn out. And even when I’ve burnt out, I convince myself that I cannot stop. There is still much left to be done.

My mind is on overdrive and it needs to be this way in order to be successful in a school setting. Studying for hours every single day of my life, working endlessly, it feels like I’m always running. This has become my new baseline. Extremely high stress levels dominate my every waking moment. I know that it doesn’t have to be this way, but months (or even, years) on end of this cycle makes it my new norm. Anything slower than a run or a sprint feels lazy. It feels like I’ve given up. 

I try to allow myself to stop completely, or at least stop running, but it’s really difficult. My efforts to calm myself down are just other forms of distraction. I forget how to relax. I can’t sleep because my mind is on overdrive. It doesn’t slow down or shut up unless I force it to chemically. Smoking or drinking are artificial ways to slow down, but they come at a cost. 

This lifestyle cannot be healthy for our minds or our bodies. I wonder if others feel the way I do, or if I’m just prone to anxiety and it’s largely the result of that. I wonder if anxiety is a lifelong illness that one needs to adjust to or if it’s the result of a particular environment that doesn’t allow one’s self to fulfill their own needs. 

I long for a time in my life where I don’t feel like I need to run to survive. But when it seems like everyone is also running alongside me, I feel like slowing down means I’ll never catch up. I will be left behind if I am not constantly on edge.

I know that this mindset is not exactly healthy, but it has been something that I think I’ve experienced for my entire life. It wasn’t until I had the chance to escape from it, and live each day completely in the moment, relaxed, blissfully happy, that I realized I don’t need to be busy in order to feel like I have worth.