What Did I Learn in 2019?

2019 has been a year of immense growth. I learned how to be comfortable with the more unsavory aspects of myself. The parts I’ve been ashamed of and thought I needed to hide were really just lodged so deep into the recesses of my mind that they could disappear from my consciousness. The more I tried to deny the fact that they were there, the more I deluded myself into thinking I never needed to address them fully. 

Through all of the ups and downs, I can honestly say that 2019 has been the best year of my life. My New Year’s Resolution was to work on my mental health. I wasn’t really sure how that would go because it has been something I’ve struggled with for pretty much as long as I can remember; but I figured if I at least started moving in the right direction, then growth would follow.

Each month was a new challenge. I began January with a goal to be completely off of the medicine I had been using to calm my anxiety by the beginning of April. I lowered my dosage every couple of weeks and the blur I had been existing within for so long was gradually lifted. I was able to fully see and interact with my deep emotions in ways that terrified me at first. 

I started having flashbacks and panic attacks that were nearly impossible to calm. I knew that this was not something I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. I had fears that were holding me back from truly living. After reading way too many books about PTSD and mental illness, I realized that the only way to get over the past is to allow myself to experience it from time to time. 

Flashbacks are terrifying. It feels like you are back in the moment of trauma. You can feel the same emotions you felt at the time, watching the event unfold before your very eyes. It is not something that one can escape. At least, not at first. 

Sometimes these flashbacks would come at random times. I had no control over when they would appear, where I would be or who I would be with. I would just see the room get fuzzy, stop breathing, and my mind would go into overdrive and tell me that I was dying. Then, the memory would come. I knew in my head that I was not back in the moment completely, but this would not stop the flashback from coming into total fruition. Half of me would be in the present moment, knowing that I needed remain calm and draw as little attention to myself as possible.

Excusing myself to go to the bathroom or outside for a few minutes as I saw my entire reality switch before my eyes always felt scary and isolating. Those who have never experienced PTSD have a difficult time understanding just how debilitating it can be. For the experience itself is nearly impossible to completely articulate if you’ve never had the experience first hand.

Talking about these things is difficult because many people’s first reactions is to say, “Don’t think about it. Everything is okay right now. Don’t dwell on the past.” And of course, intellectually, that makes sense. If thinking about the past causes this full body revulsion and rejection, then why would I do it? The issue is that I am not intentionally thinking about it when these flashbacks occur. They come when I least expect it. 

In order to make these flashbacks less severe, I need to think about the past in safe environments. I need to draw the memory up myself and not just wait until my body does it for me. I need to feel the emotions I never let myself fully experience at the time. Each time I allow myself to think about the past, the power of each extreme feeling is lessened. I eventually hope to get to the point where they no longer hurt, but that may be a long ways away. 

These emotions are held within my body and I always feel them, but it is scary and confusing to feel such extreme things when it doesn’t match my current life. For example, sometimes sitting in class, I randomly get panic attacks. Usually nothing at all  prompts them, or maybe sometimes something so insignificantly small triggers something that feels like an internal explosion. Either way, the sensations did not match up or make sense given the current environment. 

There was actually a point in my life where I was in a constant state of panic. I wasn’t physically in danger, but my mind was so used to me always being in a fight or flight situation that it started to believe I needed to operate this way at all times in order to be safe. 

Because of the combination of many different factors, including reading books and stories that explained scientifically why I was feeling the way I did, I started to trust that the current moment was safe. I realized that the trauma I had experienced was not exactly normal, but those who had gone through similar events also felt the same impacts I had (and do feel) felt physically, mentally, and emotionally. Instead of hiding away from my PTSD, I started to accept it as a part of my life. I no longer saw it as a battle to fight, but more so as an uncomfortable truth I needed to show compassion towards. 

This was not easy. But, as I took a step away from everything that tied me to the past, including many family members, I felt a sense of freedom and inner peace I had never felt before. This time away was essential because I was able to feel a sense of independence. I was free and able to make my school life my entire life instead of only a small aspect of it. This was definitely a temporary solution, but completely necessary to start healing. 

Fears that had extremely negative associations with my past turned into full blown phobias. I realized that addressing these phobias would be the only way I could let go of what had hurt me. So, one-by-one I started doing things that terrified me. I was terrified of the dentist, and because of this, I had spent over 5 years with a large hole in one of my teeth and refused to get it fixed. Even the thought of going to the dentist for a regular check-up caused me to enter a state of full-blown panic. Luckily, I had great friends who understood. They came with me and stayed by my side despite the fact that they may have truly believed my fears were either over exaggerated or unfounded.

Each time I addressed something new, I felt like a little bit of weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The flashbacks and panic attacks became more manageable with time and I realized they did not spell death, only momentary discomfort. I started to appreciate my strong emotions instead of cower away in terror. And before I knew it, I realized there was a lot of beauty in the journey itself. The emotions I had perceived as negative were not necessarily bad, but merely uncomfortable. 

I still struggle from time to time with feelings that are too strong. There were certain points this past year where I felt like the world was crashing around me and I would never escape. More times than I’d like to admit, I found myself breaking down in public, instead of trying to hide it in the confines of my own bedroom. But, that’s okay. I know that this journey is not over, but I am happy I started making steps in the right direction this year. 

This year has taught me how to become more confident in myself and understand my own value. I let go of many unhealthy relationships, stopped relying on others for my own happiness, and began to understand what self love means. I began the process of drawing healthy boundaries and fostering friendships that were understanding, supportive, and beneficial towards my mental well being. My past is no longer something I am ashamed of, and now that I’ve accepted it, I’ve also accepted myself. Because the self I currently am would not exist if not for the past, I realize the two parts cannot be divided. The past and the present are connected. Every experience I’ve had makes up the person I am today. The broken pieces of my life create a beautiful mosaic, and that beautiful mosaic is me.