Fear of Emotional Intimacy

There is a part of me that gets incredibly uncomfortable when people give me compliments or are overtly nice. I can’t tell if it’s because I perceive this to be disingenuous, or because I have low self esteem.

Authenticity is super important to me, and when I feel that someone is lying, it makes me question our entire relationship. Maybe I perceive kindness to be a lie because I grew accustomed to the opposite.

This is not to say that I enjoy when people are assholes, but the kindness makes me suspicious. I wonder what their motivation is in being so kind. Is it because they genuinely care, or is there something else behind it?

Still though, I find it hard to completely let people in and believe that they truly care about me. I guess there are two parts to this, though. Intellectually, I understand that certain people truly do, and I truly care about them as well. However, emotionally, my guard is almost always up. I have only allowed a select few people into my heart emotionally.

I worry that when we are apart, they no longer care. And, in a strange way, I am kind of okay with this. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism I employ to avoid getting hurt. Unfortunately, this defense mechanism comes at a cost.

I get nervous if it seems like people want to reach this emotional level of care, and I suppose that is what I believe these compliments and overt kindness are intending to do. I oftentimes back away from this, convincing myself that it’s necessary to prevent me from experiencing the pain of one day losing them.

But as I do this, I push a lot of amazing people away. I struggle with knowing who should be let in, so I usually keep everyone out. Or, I let them in for a short period of time and let the friendship fizzle out. I guess fostering long-term friendships and relationships is not one of my strengths.

All of this makes me wonder if I will ever be able to settle down in one place. Staying somewhere, for the rest of my life, means that I will have to trust that these people actually want me around.

Maybe this is why I am so attracted to a nomadic lifestyle. Or at least, it is one of the reasons why. If I am constantly moving, then nobody can get too close and I can prevent the eventual downfall of the relationship.

I know this is a pessimistic way of viewing things, but sometimes it’s okay to be pessimistic. Or, in the least, it’s okay to talk about pessimistic things. By letting this out and expressing this insecurity that really impacts my life on such a deep level, maybe I will have taken the first step towards working past it. Maybe merely expressing these thoughts will allow myself to be more aware of when I am letting someone in or pushing someone out.

Maybe I will find that, while moving around, I will allow more people into my heart than I ever thought possible. Maybe it will allow me to let my guard down overtime, for the sake of building strong communities wherever I may be.

But, who knows? Until I get over this fear of being hurt, or being left, I will continue to be uncomfortable with kindness. Once I stop thinking about how the relationship is going to end, before it has even begun, I will be able to finally achieve emotional intimacy with those around me.