Figuring Out the Meaning of Love

I find it difficult to discern whether a relationship is negative or if I am merely reading too much into things. Over the years I’ve found myself in a number of toxic relationships, but didn’t recognize the red flags until long after they ended.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I understand that nobody is perfect. We all have problems and insecurities we are working through. Occasional poor treatment could be the result of many different factors. Perhaps the person is struggling mentally with something I am unaware of. Maybe they had a shitty day and have a lot on their mind. It happens. Nobody is happy all the time.

Throughout the years, I’ve been told repeatedly that I am an overly sensitive person. My emotions are strong and so when something someone does bothers me and I point it out, I’m often told that I am overreacting. I thought maybe the problems I was facing in these relationships were my fault. Maybe if I had thicker skin, criticism wouldn’t bother me so much.

My appearance, personality and feelings were not good enough. I needed to change them all.

I tried to change myself so the problems would disappear. But in doing so, I became an inauthentic version of myself. It got to the point in which I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.

The other person’s needs became more important than my own. I wanted to be perfect for them because I thought that if I achieved this, I’d finally receive the love I wanted so badly.

But it didn’t matter. No matter how much I changed about myself, I was not loved any more than before. The criticism continued and after some time, I didn’t even love myself. I thought I was an inherently flawed individual, never capable of reaching the point of complete acceptance.

No matter how much I gave, it was never enough. I gave all of myself to these toxic relationships and left nothing for myself. I thought leaving anything for myself was selfish. If I ever took more, I was told I needed to think of others first. But really, in doing so, I became empty.

It wasn’t until recently that I’ve learned what unconditional love means or what healthy relationships are supposed to look like.

Coming to Panama this past summer, I was accepted for all that I was. It didn’t matter if my Spanish was broken or if I was unknowingly breaking cultural norms. I didn’t need to have the most amazing conversations or give 100% of myself to others. I was accepted for just being. From this experience, I learned what love felt like.

I waited for problems to arise. I waited for the daily fights I thought were normal. I was sure that after a few weeks, my host family and friends would tire of me. Tell me I was a selfish and shitty person. That was what had always happened before.

But, this never happened. They showed me love and I got scared. I thought surely it would be taken away, sooner or later. I cried because I didn’t understand what these feelings meant. I didn’t think I deserved it. I thought I had to do more.

Except, that wasn’t the case. All I had to do was be myself and that was enough. I sometimes took more and sometimes gave more and realized relationships are about balance. It took time, but I began to become more comfortable with this dynamic.

My expectations for relationships in life were altered as a result of this experience. I started asking for more because I knew I deserved it. I stopped letting people take advantage of my kindness and lost a lot of close relationships and friendships along the way.

One-by-one, I started to end these toxic relationships. I took back the parts of myself that I had lost. I replaced them with loving and balanced relationships.

I feel stupid for accepting maltreatment, wasting years of my life with people who didn’t value me. With people who took everything and gave nothing. I should have known better.

But really, I never understood before now what was normal in a healthy relationship. I thought we shared love, when in reality the love was one-sided. I thought the relationships I had were normal. I trusted them when they told me I was the problem when that was never the case.

The lessons I’ve learned in these relationships will stick with me. I now understand how important healthy boundaries are. I know that my emotions are valid, no matter how many times someone may try to tell me they aren’t. I know what not to look for in a relationship. Accepting myself fully is far more important than accepting every toxic person who comes into my life. And if I need to be alone for some time before I find healthy relationships to replace those that I have lost, then I’m okay with that.