I Fucked Up

I fucked up. I fell for the illusion of love for so long that I truly believed this was all I needed in my life to be happy.

Along the way, I lost myself. There were moments where I was blissfully happy, for sure. But, I let these moments delude me into believing that the relationship was perfect.

At a time when I was extremely vulnerable, I let someone come into my life. Not only did they come into it, they completely took it over. I knew from the beginning that there were red flags, but I thought if we tried hard enough the red flags wouldn’t matter.

I believed that relationships take work. They’re a choice. But I chose to change myself along the way to fit into the perfect mold. I took each criticism in stride, believing that if I worked on myself enough, I’d finally acheive the relationship I had idealized in my mind.

I accepted far too little and gave way too much. I thought the reoccuring fights would go away with time. I thought if I changed myself enough, the problems I had would fade away. I was convinced the qualms I had in the relationship were a problem with me. I was complaining too much. I didn’t understand his point of view. I was at fault.

And, overtime, I lost myself in the relationship. I lost my passion for life. I felt unhappy, but didn’t know why at the time. I changed every single aspect of myself to appease another person, from my appearence to personality to core values.

I truly believed that I needed the other person to feel happy because overtime I isolated myself from almost everyone else around me and he was my only source of happiness. My time, thoughts and energy were focused on making him happy. I thought if I gave everything, I’d recieve something in return. But this was all an illusion.

I didn’t recieve anything in return except more criticism. All problems I brought up were discarded. I would hear explanations that made no sense, but falsely believed they were resolutions.

The resolutions never came, and neither did the appreciation. I knew from the beginning, but I stayed anyway. For far too long, I accepted less than what I deserved. I fell in love with the idea of love. I fell in love with giving myself away because I couldn’t bear to keep any part of it.

And now that I’ve been out for a few months, I’ve started to reclaim myself. It hasn’t been easy. All that I thought was “wrong” with me was really just who I was deep down. I’ve been working on finding it again, reaching the core of my being, loving myself without waiting for another person to tell me that myself is enough.

I idealized love for way too long because I didn’t understand what it was in the first place. And, now, I am free. I left knowing what love is not. I left with a fraction of what I came in with, but from that part, I will grow again. I will build myself up, healthier and stronger than I was before. I wasted far too much time believing I deserved any less, but with all difficult experiences in life, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. All I can do now is take this lesson and move on, hoping to never make the same mistake again.