Being Myself When I Still Don’t Know Who I Am

I’ve decided that 2020 is the year I will finally be unapologetically myself. But, how can I truly be myself if I don’t quite know who I am yet? Last year, I was focused on self improvement, and I grew in tremendous ways as a result of it, but now is the time to appreciate the work I’ve done without wanting to be in a constant state of growth.

I think that growth is beautiful and very necessary in life, but I’ve focused so much on this that I’ve never really appreciated who I was in the present moment. My mind always went to my weaknesses, wondering how I could either lessen them or delete them entirely from my personality. I usually ignored my strengths, downplaying them for fear of appearing too cocky, but I’ve realized that it’s okay to talk positively about yourself! How can we really know who we are if we don’t ever consider all that which is positive?

I notice that other people sometimes get nervous about praising themselves in conversation because they don’t want to seem egotistical, but really what is so wrong with acknowledging that we have some positive traits? Everyone has a mix of both positive and negative qualities, and the least we can do is step back to appreciate our strengths every once in a while. 

As much as I’ve tried to change myself for the better, I think that deep down, I am still the same person I was as a child. There is still a core that exists, that may never go away no matter how hard I try. 

It’s hard to know for sure what this core is exactly because we are all the combination of many different factors, most of which are completely out of our control, that determine how we interact with the world around us. Anyone who reads my blog knows my thoughts on this already. One’s culture, environment, blah blah blah make up the surrounding layers of this core personality.

In order to reach the core, though, we need to figure out which aspects are ours and which are given to us from outside influences. It’s hard to know for sure. I think this journey of ’finding yourself,’ as cliche as it sounds, is one of the most important journeys we embark on in our lifetimes. 

I’m only 22, so I can’t say for sure, but I’ve had conversations with people much older than me who said that they’re still working on figuring out who they are. It’s a constant process, probably never fully complete, but necessary nonetheless. 

I have a theory, but I’m not sure how it will work. Perhaps if I just let myself act naturally for a whole year, not trying to analyze too much in the moment or contemplate how I could be better, I will figure out who I am. Maybe just letting myself be, instead of overthinking or letting my mind be clouded by insecurities and anxious thoughts, I will be who I am.

I’m not so sure this makes sense, so maybe I’ll explain it a little bit differently. The verb “to be” written for each personal pronoun is: I am, you are, he/she/it is, they are, and we are. If I let myself be, then I am. Does this make sense? If I am, then I am just myself. 

Being has nothing to do with thinking or analyzing or anything of that sort. If you’re just “being,” then you’re letting yourself exist. And by watching how we exist naturally, we can figure out who we are. I hope someone was able to follow this because I’m not so sure how to explain this hypothesis in a better way. 

But, anyway, that’s my New Year’s Resolution. I am excited to see what I figure out about myself as a result of this goal. I look forward to reaching my core, whatever that is, and learning to just be.