Handling Abandonment Issues

Shortly after my 13th birthday, my mom left. She blocked all forms of communication and I was left wondering what I did wrong. I blamed myself for years, thinking it was my fault for being a bad kid. We fought all the time, and I wasn’t exactly the easiest child to control.

I loved to argue and pick out holes in her (and really, everyone’s logic). My feelings were intense and all over the place. I did whatever I wanted, exploring every curiousity that entered my mind, and went on dangerous adventures. These are key aspects of my personality that I still exhibit to this day. But, at the time, I thought that she left because my inner self was flawed.

I held onto hope that she’d come back. I counted the days at first, thinking for sure that she’d return. But the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. Now, almost 10 years later, she is still gone and I am not sure we will ever see each other again.

There were a handful of times I saw her since then, but they were not easy. The last time I saw her was almost 8 years ago, and this was only a chance encounter in a dentist’s office (If anyone was curious about my phobia of the dentist from an eariler post, part of it stems from this experience).

I remember the agony of being abandoned, and it still informs a lot of my relationships to this day. This fear is so deep down that I don’t even acknowledge it exists the majority of the time.

From this experience, I’ve learned that people come and go and not to hold on too tightly to relationships. If someone doesn’t talk to me for a while, I assume they don’t care and will leave as well. I have a difficult time figuring out if someone is merely busy or if the relationship is over.

I’ve built up a wall and pretend I don’t care when people leave, when in reality it’s one of my deepest fears. I ignore the feelings associated with being left and feeling unwanted by forging a stronger relationship with myself than anyone else around me. I make friends very easily but holding onto relationships is one of the most difficult experiences to endure.

Feelings that stem from abandonment are not something that leave easily. They leave an ugly scar that lasts for years, and the majority of the time I’d prefer to ignore the fact that they exist entirely. The few times I glance at it, I realize that the scar is still an open wound, never fully healed despite how much time has passed.

I think if I’m kind to everyone, they’ll want to stay around, but with this I run the risk of being taken advantage of in every relationship I enter.

I usually like to end my posts with a positive and hopeful resolution, but I am not so sure this topic has one just yet. Maybe my experiences have made me stronger in some aspects, but I cannot ignore the weaknesses that persist along the way. Perhaps with time this will get easier. Maybe weakness is, in itself, a sort of strength. Maybe we all have wounds we’re too afraid to look at and my words will have inspired someone to look at theirs, despite the pain.