“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

At the end of 5th grade, we had a little graduation ceremony and had to tell the audience what we wanted to be when we grew up.

A few weeks prior to this day, we were in class and had to write down what we’d say and get it approved by our teacher. I kept writing down different ideas and seeking approval, but being told continuously that I wasn’t understanding the question correctly. After each rejection, I returned to my seat, not fully understanding why my answers were “wrong.”

I didn’t want to be anything. I didn’t want just one job forever. I had so many interests! I loved music, monkeys, math, reading, science, sports, and so much more. I started my own businesses and researched different topics in my freetime. I played basketball and hide and seek with other kids. I went on crazy adventures with my best friends and we always found ourselves in trouble for breaking the rules.

I guess I found myself breaking the rules yet again, but I don’t see a point in respecting rules that don’t make any sense.

Choosing only one job on that stupid piece of paper felt like I was going to have to eventually give up on all of these different activities and settle down with one boring state of existence. Now that I reflect back on this experience from over 10 years ago, I realize that the mistake I was making was writing down what I wanted to do instead of what I wanted to be.

I never wanted to be anything because I found such a thought incredibly limiting. And really, how can I be anything except for myself? But I didn’t have the words to describe my feelings back then. I didn’t understand what was so wrong with my way of thinking. And then I went to college and had to choose a path that would lead me to what I eventually want to be. But, I still don’t want to be anything. I want to travel, start businesses, play sports, write, and read, and fill my life with all of my passions. None of my passions individually can define me and that’s why I will never be something that is not Tori.

And so I went up to get my paper approved and wrote “I want to skydive into shark infested water in the Bermuda Triangle (sounds pretty cool, I’ve gotta say), and my teacher got angry. Clearly my lifepath was not allowed to be an imaginative and creative endeavor. In resignation, I wrote “Veternarian” on my paper and I guess this fit into her idea of what I could possibly do with my life because it was finally approved.

I didn’t want to be a Vet then, and I don’t want to be one now. I can’t fit myself into a neat and tiny little box because I am messy and chaotic. Boxes make me feel claustrophobic. I want my freedom and if I choose to be anything then my freedom is taken away. So, I will continue to do instead of be and find a way to make it work.

Over the years, school tried to beat the creativity out of me, but I refuse to mold myself into the subservient, detail oriented, and punctual student this system requires one be for success. I will continue to question authority figures that I truly believe are wrong. My mind will never be one that takes to details naturally, and the world is much bigger than the vocabulary words I had to memorize week after week for supid tests that didn’t even matter anyway. Creativity doesn’t work on a set schedule, so I don’t fully understand why we have such a strong emphasis on showing up to everything at a very specific time.

This system was created to produce employees and that’s why I had to write what kind of employee I wanted to eventually be. But, maybe I want to be my own boss. Maybe I want to be in control of my time and how I choose to spend it instead of letting someone else (yet again) suck the creativity out of me to stuff me into another tiny little box.