Loneliness

Perhaps when you grow up with books and the comfort of your own mind as your main companions, life starts to become a quite lonely existence.

I want to connect as deeply with others as I’ve connected with myself, but at times feel a disconnect that I cannot ignore.

I say that freedom is my greatest value, but acheiving it fully forces me to give up on comfort and security to such a high degree that sometimes I wonder if the sacrifice is worth it.

This isn’t always. But from time to time loneliness punctures the core of my being. I crave the companionship of another person. I crave conversation and connection.

It doesn’t help when crowds can be just as lonely, if not more so, as solitude. It doesn’t help when the conversation is drowned out by the sound of a smart phone. When technology replaces human contact I wonder if we’ll ever go back to old fashioned conversations. I wonder if my presence is enough to compete with the entire world at your fingertips.

But as I speak I watch your eyes go to your phone again. My voice is merely background noise. My thoughts are ignored. My attempt at generating conversation is interrupting a very important instagram picture that must be posted right now. My craving to connect will only be of value if it’s through a text message because face to face contact is a distraction at best.

“Put down your phone!” my mind screams. My voice says nothing. I trail off and wonder if you notice at all. Sometimes you do. But at points it’s as if I wasn’t speaking at all. My voice is lost in a void.

And as your eyes drift down to the screen, I leave to find the friend I’ve been craving all along.

I search for companions who will listen. We listen to each other. We want to understand who the other is inside and out. This is what I want and need.

They are few and far in between.

I wander alone, with my mind and books as my main companions. Loneliness strikes and I must determine, yet again, if it’s better to be lonely by myself or with others.