The Subconscious Mind

Something that has been difficult for me for as long as I can remember, but especially during quarantine has been facing my own mind constantly and confronting what thoughts, memories and emotions come to surface when the distractions run out. 

Life has slowed down tremendously, but these bottled up aspects of myself have seemed to only accelerate and spill over.

I suppose it’s important to face ourselves from time to time. But I don’t think I personally have been able to dedicate the energy necessary to fully understand what aspects of me lie in my subconscious mind.

It feels as though the subconscious is a dark and endless abyss of faded memories, impulses and patterns that dictate a lot of the decisions I make and how I respond to situations in my life.

Now that time has slowed down and the majority of my waking hours are spent completely alone, I have the opportunity to analyze that which as spilled out a bit closer.

But I’ve found when my subconscious spills out, it creates a mess. Conflict with those around me ensues and damage could be done if someone slips on whatever is pouring out.

Sometimes my subconscious spills over and I’m too afraid to look at the mess. I  pretend it’s not there, hoping that it will evaporate if enough time has passed. But it never does. 

My attempt to ignore the mess only causes me to feign ignorance. Eventually someone slips, and sometimes it’s me. 

I wonder how deep the mind goes. I wonder if it’s truly possible to be fully aware of everything that lies beneath the surface.

Maybe everything that’s trapped in our minds, those aspects that we’re ignorant of, needs to spill out, and once we handle all the messes, the problems will go away.

Maybe we should stop being afraid of making a mess, and learn to be more understanding with ourselves when it’s time to clean up.

But until we love ourselves unconditionally, these messes will remain a burden. They will continue to be ignored and wreck havoc on our lives. Until we face them, they will continue to have power over us.

Sometimes I wonder if this dark abyss eventually ends. Are our minds finite and if we could reach the bottom, would we want to? If we could see ourselves for everything that we are, would the experience be terrifying or enlightening? 

In this time of isolation, I’m digging deeper into the abyss. Certain things that are spilling out are parts of myself that I’d rather pretend don’t exist. And like a nasty car crash, I can’t help but stop and stare at the damage. 

I think it’s necessary to look. But if we stare for too long, it might begin to consume our every waking thought. It might start to eat us up inside. Finally free from the veil of our subconscious mind, it can just as easily begin to dominate our conscious mind.

But if we glance at the mess for a moment and give ourselves the time to clean it up fully, we can be free. Little by little, we can begin to let go of whatever pain is hiding below the surface. We can begin to empty our subconscious of these impulses that dictate our lives, and fill our conscious mind with an all consuming love and understanding .

I wish this was easy. Maybe the spills will become more manageable overtime. Maybe with each spill, I’ll start to understand myself better. The next mess won’t be so bad.

If only personal growth was as easy as the simple metaphors I create. These messes are more than just spills that can be soaked up with a paper towel. Sometimes they can destroy relationships. Somethings they can ruin lives. Being as delicate as possible is of upmost importance when accessing deeper parts of ourselves, all while understanding that everyone is at a different point in their journey.

Sometimes we get caught up in other peoples’ messes. Or we create giant messes that are equal parts everyone involved. It’s easy to forget that everyone’s minds are deep abysses that we cannot claim to understand fully. I mean, if we struggle to completely see ourselves, then is it really possible to see others?

This unconditional love can only be effective if we use it on ourselves as well as those around us. Understanding the fact that there is way more to the bigger picture than we can even begin to conceive of means that it’s not possible to fully see anyone clearly in the face of a mess. All we can do is try to be kind and clean up after ourselves when the situation demands it.