New Year’s Resolutions

Although there isn’t really too significant of a change between December 31st and January 1st, the change of year feels extremely important. I always feel this pressure to set goals and intentions for the following twelve months that may or may not be fulfilled. Everyone’s always talking about how this year (whatever year) is the year they finally lose those extra 15 lbs. Or start a new hobby. Or go back to school. Or whatever.

And then a few weeks pass and many people return to their old patterns, yet again (except now with a gym membership!). It feels as though, collectively, the conversation about setting personal goals mostly only happens at the arbitrary change of year.

And now that 2021 is rolling around in just a few short weeks, I started reflecting on the resolutions I set (last New Year’s Eve), and contemplating whether or not I’ve accomplished what I set out to do.

I chose to keep it vague this year, and set an intention for myself instead of setting an extremely specific goal. I told myself that 2020 is the year I’ll finally get everything I deserve.

I wasn’t exactly sure what this meant at the time, but I knew I lacked confidence in a lot of ways and tolerated disrespect far too often.

In 2019, I spent the year really analyzing my own toxic patterns and working towards being a better version of myself. I faced my fears, addressed deep-set phobias, and finally made mental health a priority. I cut toxic relationships (that had been going on for far too long) out of my life and began the process of healing.

Still tough, I felt this sense of inner deficiency. Unknowingly, I had fostered another toxic pattern through this self improvement binge. I started to believe that there was a never-ending list of things to improve about myself, and I wouldn’t be worthy until I checked off every box on that list.

So I decided to go in a different direction this year. It’s important to continually work on being the best version of yourself, but doing it obsessively can really mess with your mind and sense of self.

First and foremost, I decided that I deserve to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled. Unfortunately, there were quite a few aspects of my life that had been preventing me from feeling any of those ways. I was holding onto hope for far too long (my entire life) that those negative situations would miraculously change for the better, and I wouldn’t have to go through the process of letting go. But (*spoiler alert*), abusive families probably won’t change, and sometimes leaving them is the only option you have for your own mental sanity.

So I did it. I graduated from college and moved far away from all of the negativity. I started to fill my life with only things that make me happy (and those tolerable neutral things). And as I made these changes, the confusion that clouded my mind, about my path in life, started to clear away.

It’s amazing how redirecting your mental energy to what you want, instead of dwelling on when you don’t want (or what you wish would change), actually yields favorable outcomes. Moving forward, I think I’m going to keep this intention in my life.

Although I have no idea what the future holds, where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing, who will be a part of my life a year from now, there is one aspect that I have the power to control. And that is myself. My state of mind. No matter how the external world looks to me next year, if I continue to accept only what I deserve, then I know I’ll be on the right path.