estranged.

i knew this day would come
gone without a word
no intention of return

i’ve waited my whole life
but it always felt like
a distant dream
beautifully impossible

hard to foresee
what life turns into
when your leap of faith
is farther than you’ve ever had to jump before

i was counting down the days
until life would be my own
and happiness lasted longer
than the hours between fights
and the minutes i managed to sneak away
from the attack of my own mind

i mourn
how things could have been
but “what if’s” aren’t reality
and no amount of thinking
is powerful enough
to change the past
or heal the wounds

now i understand
my scars are a deep kind of beauty

calloused hands
and broken bones
reveal boundless strength
an ability to endure

or so i say

i told myself before
it was time to move on
but it’s hard to let go
of what you know
even though it only hurts to stay

i returned
time and time again
a false sense of hope
that things would be better

the boundary between “what if” and “what is” dissolved
but it was only an illusion
perpetuated by the ongoing confusion

it hurts to admit
that hope is sometimes only a mirage
much harder
to accept “what is”
and sit with the fear of the unknown

but now we sit like old pals
sharing drinks and laughing
my first impression was so wrong
i chose hope over fear for far too long

packed my bags and left for good
my past is dead
but my future has just begun