The Journey of Exploring My Own Sexuality

I knew at six years old that I liked girls. My very first crush was on my mom’s friend. But I also knew at that same age that I liked boys, too. But this, being 2003, was not widespread nor acceptable to express. So I pushed it down. I thought if I pushed hard enough, it would just go away. But no matter how much I tried, it kept coming back to surface.

So I started avoiding girls. I felt uncomfortable around them. Like there was something different about me. And I thought they could tell. As I pushed my sexuality down, I immersed myself in male centered activities. I dressed like a tomboy, played football, and excelled at math. The majority of my friends, for many years, were males.

I watched the big press conferences celebrities and politicians held, announcing to the world that they were gay, and this absolutely terrified me. It was as though they needed to make a formal apology for their sexual orientation, only to watch their careers and families fall apart in the process.

I’m not sure when I came to this decision, but at some point I decided I was going to live my whole life, never telling anyone ever about my attraction to other girls. I accepted, from a very young age, that I could never fully be myself around anyone. I didn’t want to have to hold a press conference or make a big show out of this disgusting (or so I thought) part of myself.

And even though I’ve always known I liked girls I let part of myself forget. Since I also liked guys, I thought this would be enough. I could live a relatively normal life with a part of my total sexuality.

But as I said before, certain feelings continued to force themselves above the surface. I had attraction to some of my closest female friends that left me lost and completely confused. I questioned my genuine attraction to guys because it felt so different from the way I felt around girls. And I obsessed over what exactly all of this meant.

Am I gay?
Am I straight and just looking for attention?
Am I bi?
Is there something else? Do I really need a word?

I guess I was waiting for a clear answer ─ as though I’d receive a letter in the mail that finally revealed a sexuality. Then I wouldn’t need to dig so deep. It would be easy.

But, alas, the letter never came and it was up to me to figure it out. Incident after incident occurred, making it harder for me to push this down as I had for so many years.

Oh, that kiss? Uhh. Yeah. Meant nothing. I promise.
I totally have such a girl crush on her.
I know I said I liked girls, but I was just mourning a breakup. I was confused.

Eventually I got tired. It’s exhausting keeping a secret for so long. I finally opened up about this part of myself during my senior year of college. And to my shock, everyone was completely supportive. I was dreading the negative reactions my entire life, so I never considered that opening up about this would yield widespread acceptance.

And now, just over a year later, I feel more comfortable with myself, in all areas of my personality, than I ever have in my entire life. I realize now that any judgement of my sexuality (or any other aspect of myself) is not a reflection of me, but rather a reflection of the person who is doing the judging.

And although those 22 years of questioning and confusion were painful to endure, it forced me to really analyze myself on a deeper level. And now, I have a good idea of who I am at this point in time. I know in the future, aspects of myself may change, as nothing in life is permanent, and I may uncover other elements that have been repressed for many years. But I am ready to accept all of it with an open mind and open heart.