Stability is Freedom

To be honest, stability kind of repulses me. Maybe it’s a bit fucked up to say, but the idea of my life being in order and safe sounds dreadfully boring. But I suppose, paradoxically, cultivating stability in my life is a huge personal challenge, and there’s nothing I enjoy more than challenges.

Seeing as I can’t really hop on a plane right now and fly to some random overseas destination, I suppose now is as good a time as any to embark on a challenge that I’ve avoided for the majority of my life.

This probably doesn’t seem impressive to anyone at all, but living in a place for a few months in a row without leaving to explore somewhere else is new to me, and I’ve achieved a certain level of routine I didn’t realize I was capable of handling.

I had always thought that stability was the enemy of freedom. Like oil and water, they could never blend cohesively. There would always be a distinct line separating the two in my mind. I’ve always associated freedom with chaos (and maybe a bit of self destruction thrown in there as well). But as I grow more comfortable sitting in the boredom of a relatively stable life, the line between the oil and water is progressively becoming more blurred and I’m discovering nuances I was previously blind to.

I guess I thought that being stable would also mean remaining stagnant, but I’m finding that’s not the case at all. By having a daily routine, I can slowly work on my goals each day in an intentional manner, making incremental changes that will add up to something large overtime. And while, day to day, nothing really seems to change, I’m changing a lot in the long term. There’s no point in rushing through goals if doing so only causes burnout and lack of focus.

Ultimately I’m not free if my life is constantly changing in major ways. My lack of solid footing on the ground causes me to constantly trip over my own two feet whenever I make decisions. All of this makes it nearly impossible to get a solid grip on reality. And as multiple areas of my life fall apart in front of my very eyes, I can pretend that lack of stability makes my life more interesting, but I can’t exist in this delusion forever.

I think, in this time, I’ve realized that freedom is something that comes from routine rather than disorder. I am not free to express my body how I’d like if I don’t have a stable exercise routine. I am not free to explore deeper levels of intimacy with another person if I’m too afraid to enter a stable, committed relationship. And there’s no chance of me flying to some random country if my finances all over the place! The deeper I dive into committed actions, the more options will open up to me.