Death has left me speechless. I’m hoping maybe I can write.

I didn’t know it was possible to feel this sad. I wish there were words that expressed what I’m experiencing right now. But it’s confusing because I don’t really understand it myself. Sometimes I feel okay and that life is going on, but when I least expect it, I’m knocked over by a wave that sucks me under.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. The pain feels so intense I worry I’m dying. And I avoid looking at everyone in the eye because it feels too vulnerable. I don’t want them to see how much I’m hurting.

My friends try to talk to me but I don’t remember if I’ve been listening. It feels like I’m somewhere else entirely. Life keeps moving all around me but I’ve fallen into the cracks.

When my eyes open in the morning I wonder how I’ll make it through another day. I feel guilty because I want to enjoy my life while I still have the chance, but I can hardly find meaning in it at all.

I know that some of my greatest hardships in life have helped me transform into the person I am today, but I’m not ready for this change. I don’t want this to be the end of our connection. But the story is over and all I can do is re-read it until I lose my mind.

I wonder when I’ll be able to be myself again or if that self is gone forever. I can’t go back to the person I was before this happened. That moment is over. In every moment there is a death of the previous. Usually those deaths are inconsequential, but every once in a while a single moment can change the entire trajectory of your life.

We really have no control over what happens in life as much as we’d like to think we do. The earth keeps spinning without our interference. People die randomly. Tragedies happen. Miracles occur. And then in between are all the small moments that seem insignificant. But I’m realizing that those small moments are everything.

I think about the ordinary moments. Walking to a convenience store together while talking about life. Standing in your courtyard with you as you smoked a cig. Drinking coffee in the morning before the day really started. All we have in life are a series of ordinary moments with people. And it can all end at any moment.

A couple weeks have passed but I feel as though I’ve aged decades.

I keep digging deeper into myself with every hardship I endure. And I know that the depth of pain I’ve experienced closely matches the depth of joy I’ve been able to feel afterwards. I know that this pain will pave the way for intense gratitude for everything else I have in my life. But it doesn’t really matter how much I try to intellectualize this loss because I still must endure the feelings I desperately want to avoid.

Life continues on one breath at a time.