An Attempt to Define My Sexuality

I find it difficult to describe exactly how I feel about my own sexuality. My entire life, I knew that I wasn’t entirely straight, but none of the other labels seemed to fit the feelings I had.

People who call themselves straight don’t necessarily want to be with every single person of the opposite gender. They likely have preferences based on a variety of factors including personality, intelligence, physical looks, or whatever traits they subjectively value. Sometimes it is close to impossible to fully express with words why you are attracted to a particular person. Maybe they have something that is inexplicably beautiful that draws you in, like a magnet. You can’t figure out exactly where this beauty originates, but there is a part of you that cannot deny it exists. 

In platonic friendships, we are also attracted to another person in a sense. If we weren’t drawn towards them at all, they would not be our friends. Perhaps many of the traits we look for in a partner are similar to the traits we look for in a friend. From this I wonder how different platonic friendships and romantic relationships really are. Are they really binary, as we make them out to be? Someone is either a friend or a lover? Or, is there a sliding scale that starts with platonic on one end and romantic on another? Is it possible that someone could be closer to one end at certain points and move towards the other side in other circumstances? 

I’ve definitely had my fair share of crushes throughout the course of my life. As I reflect back now, I realize that many of the people I admired growing up were not always 100% platonic nor romantic. Sometimes they were boys and sometimes they were girls. No matter how I defined the friendship or relationship, the way I felt about them was never completely stagnant. 

Maybe this makes me bisexual (or pansexual?), but I’m not sure that’s the best word to describe this experience. The gender of someone I happen to be attracted to is irrelevant. It matters so little to me in relation to the other factors that make up a person. If someone is amazing, then why would their gender matter? 

The fact that we put so much of an emphasis on gender in our society seems odd to me. There are not traits that are solely feminine nor traits that are solely masculine. Gender is merely used as a means to simplify roles and pigeonhole people into two neat and well-defined categories. If enough people buy into these roles, then we are able to create families that are largely homogeneous. They consist of a mother, who is typically encouraged to be caring, selfless, and loving, and a father who is strong, logical, and hardworking. Of course, this is oversimplifying the phenomenon of gender and there may be other words that describe this better, but in general, these imposed roles are used as a means to simplify people. 

In fact, there aren’t two neat and well-defined categories at all. Some people wouldn’t describe themselves as any gender. Or they would say they’re somewhere in between. Or maybe even feel as though they are a gender that doesn’t match with their sexual organs. 

What happens if you fall in love with someone who doesn’t conform to these strict gender roles imposed by our society? Would you push them away, ignoring any sort of potential future that could arise from this love? People are not their genders. They are so much more than that. I don’t understand why it is so important to label this. If someone who has been out as gay for years suddenly falls in love with a female, does that make him bisexual now? Because of one girl? Is he suddenly straight? I don’t think so. I think it is much more complicated than these terms we constantly use to oversimplify how we feel. 

What happens if someone defines themselves as something and constantly ignores or outright denies the occasional crush they may have on someone that doesn’t fit into their mold of sexuality? Is it healthy to push these thoughts away? The act of putting any sort of label on one’s sexuality is a bit limiting. But, what do I know? I’ve only experienced this through my own eyes. Maybe some people are 100% straight 100% of the time or 100% gay 100% of the time, but I am sure I am neither of those. 

If someone has exactly what I need, then I will love them. Maybe as a friend, or a lover, or somewhere in between. I will cherish every aspect that makes them who they are. But, this is coming from a monogamous lens, and I’ve been questioning that norm lately as well. However, this post has been pretty long already, so I will get to that another time.