The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Parts of Ourselves

The traits that we hate in ourselves, the ones we try to hide away, we express through projecting them upon other people. While we convince ourselves the fact that we aren’t bad people, possessing traits we deem to be negative, we notice these same attributes in others.

A person who generally is selfless rejects the aspect of themselves that is selfish. They assign values to selflessness and selfishness, perceiving selfishness to be a negative trait. Then, when they see this trait in others, they reject it as well. Something they hate in themselves is hardly tolerable in another person.

A hard truth to accept is the reality that nobody is perfect. Every single trait that is subjectively negative exists in all of us to some capacity. Nobody is 100% kind, selfless, interesting, intelligent, or whatever other traits that are good, all of the time. There is at least a part of them that is cruel, selfish, boring, and ignorant at least some part of the time.

If someone perceives themselves to be happy and bubbly, and doesn’t accept the aspects of themselves that hold anger, it will be hard to show compassion and understanding towards someone who is angry. Only when we show compassion towards ourselves for not being perfect will we begin to accept that the same is true for others.

The process by which we accept these negative traits that exist within ourselves is a psychological phenomenon called Shadow work. On the road towards self acceptance and actualization, we will find parts within that are quite ugly. That’s perfectly okay. Nobody can be beautiful at all times.

I think a good way to start Shadow work is by noticing what parts of other people really piss you off. Then, we must ask ourselves, why?

I have been reflecting on this practice for a couple days now and uncovered some new insights about myself. It pisses me off when someone doesn’t understand something immediately because I believe if I don’t understand everything immediately it proves I am stupid. I get nervous when others are angry because I repress my own anger. It drives me crazy if someone is selfish because I truly believe that if I ask for anything at all, it is too much. I really don’t like the selfish, dumb, and angry parts of myself.

Unfortunately the more I try to push these traits away, the deeper they get pushed into my own subconsciousness. The repressed traits are projected onto others instead of reflected upon internally.

I think the same could be true for positive traits as well. Someone with low self esteem may project all of their positive qualities onto another person. It is hard for them to accept that they possess positive traits so they pretend as though they belong to someone else.

Maybe we all partake in a combination of positive and negative projections. Once you start to notice it, it is hard to ignore. The key to ending this process is by learning to accept yourself fully. From beautiful to ugly, we all exist on a continuum.

Acceptance will bring greater peace of mind and enhance the relationships we have. Realizing that many of the problems we have with others are oftentimes issues we actually hold within ourselves will add a new dimension to the friendship. Learning how to show compassion towards others as well as yourself for not being perfect is essential for feeling fully comfortable in our own skin. Because it is impossible to reach a point where we have achieved total and absolute perfection – no matter how hard we may try to convince ourselves that such a feat is even possible – we will eventually have to accept that the way we are right now is perfectly flawed, and that’s okay!