Growing Up in Chaos

Growing up in a chaotic environment dramatically impacts how one perceives reality. Because every moment was unpredictable, and when I say unpredictable, I mean ridiculously outrageous, I grew accustomed to expecting shit to hit the fan.

The scariest moments were when times were calm. I never knew how long this calm would last, and I never knew what to expect next. At least if something crazy was going down, I could address it in the moment. The anticipation of insanity was more unbearable than the reality of it.

I still associate periods of calm with the anticipation of something really terrible happening in the near future. This makes me restless. Existing in a continuous state of crazy makes me feel most comfortable. Spontaneously deciding to take a solo trip to Germany (I’ll be there this weekend!), randomly going skydiving, or just doing whatever I feel in the present moment at least channels my outrageous energy into something fun and exciting.

But, it makes the relaxing time unbearably boring. Sitting still is not one my specialties. Spending the day at the house watching tv and in a state of calm is my worst nightmare. I feel as though I should be doing something. If I don’t manufacture the crazy, I worry it’s out of my control.

I worry that something terrible will happen if I allow myself to settle down, even if this is just for a few hours time. I still believe the chaos of my childhood has followed me into my adult life and it is impossible for me to begin to envision a life in which I’ve settled down into a regular routine.

I don’t understand how to comfortably exist in moments that are, well, comfortable. I’ve grown to love the excitement attached to insanity. I’m not sure if it’s something I should work on changing or something I should learn to accept. I do know, however, that this extra energy has allowed me to accomplish and experience way more in my first 22 years of life than I could if my body understood how to fully relax.

But, with most things in life, balance is key. Maybe I’ll eventually find a homeostasis, somewhere between calm and crazy. And maybe this balance will be a little closer to crazy than average, but I’m okay with that. Despite the fact that times were often (or always) rough and unstable growing up, I’ll never be able to turn back the clock and give myself a more stable life. And honestly, at this point, I don’t even know if I’d want that anyway. The only thing I can do now is move forward, make the most out of the wisdom I’ve gained, and learn to accept myself for the crazy, restless, spontaneous, and adventurous person I am.