Celebrating Mother’s Day Without a Mother

Mother’s Day has always been a challenging day for me. I’ve had plenty of mother-like figures in my life, but there’s a special relationship that exists between a child and birth mother that I feel like I’m missing out on.

I usually try to distract myself on this day each year. When I was in high school, I offered to take shifts at work – pretending this particular Sunday was like any other day. Although, it is quite difficult to pretend it doesn’t exist when everywhere I look is a constant reminder of what I’ll never have.

I haven’t seen my own mother for many years – eight to be exact. A chance encounter in a dentist office was my last opportunity to see the woman who birthed me. And, just like that, she was gone.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if she passed away. At least then I would know she didn’t consciously choose to leave me.

People will say, “It’s not your fault,” and this I know to be true. But the knowledge that I did not cause her to leave still does not diminish the pain of her abandonment. I usually choose to say nothing on this day, in fear of hurting the other women who chose to carry the burden of raising a failed mother’s child.

But I’ve realized that it’s okay to both feel grateful for them while also grieving the loss of an important human relationship.

Most of the time, I don’t really think about my mother. It’s easier not to. But when I hear how highly some people talk about their own moms, I can’t help but wonder how my life would be different had I been born into a happy and healthy family.

I wonder if I would have been grateful.

Maybe Mother’s Day is difficult for my mom, as well. Maybe she feels guilty for leaving her children behind in favor of her own selfish desires. Or maybe she pretends that she never had kids in the first place.

But, I know that she doesn’t deserve a single ounce of my energy. I know that dwelling on the past won’t bring back those lost years. The lessons I’ve learned from her abandonment far outweigh anything else that woman has ever given me.

She taught me how to be strong. When the one person who is always supposed to support you leaves, it makes you an incredibly independent and self-reliant individual.

She taught me how to be fearless. I can take risks knowing that I have nothing to lose. I don’t need to clamor for parental acceptance because I know that it will never come. 

And most of all, she taught me to never idealize people or situations. Even the people we’re supposed to look up to can let us down. I have a strong foot in reality and fully understand that life can be unpleasant, but that is never a reason to give up.

So mom, wherever you are, thank you for leaving because your absence has taught me far more than your disappointing presence.

Happy Mother’s Day.