I Don’t Owe Men Shit

I spent the day reading this book called The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness in a park in the city. After my attention started to wane a bit, I decided to leave the park and make my way to the grocery store. As I was leaving the park, a man approached me and asked me what book I was reading. The question was innocent enough, so I handed over the book without a word and let him read the back of it.

“What have you learned from this book so far?” he asked me. After a moment of thinking, I realized that there was still a lot I needed to process as I had been reading for the past few hours straight and was unable to give an accurate synopsis of what the book covered in just a few sentences. 

“I appreciate your question, but I’m really just trying to go to the grocery store.” I said as I walked away. But after a few more moments of thinking, I realized a better response would be, “I don’t owe men shit.” 

Just because some dude asks me a question does not mean he deserves a response. I am not obligated to give an answer and I shouldn’t really have to give a lengthy reason why I don’t want to. I guess, in certain ways, his curiosity could be considered a good thing ~ potentially leading into some greater conversation that could lead somewhere substantial, but at the same time, if he is so interested in learning about feminism, he could educate himself.

As a woman, it is not my sole responsibility to educate men on the struggles that women face. They are just as capable as women to educate themselves and fill their minds with the information they were previously ignorant to. 

On a grander scale, I feel as though I’m obligated to give random men a lot of things that I question whether or not they truly deserve. Does a middle aged man, who is old enough to be my father, that is checking me out deserve a “thank you” as he makes some creepy comment about my appearance? Does a sleazy man loitering outside of auto zone deserve a smile from me because he thinks my resting neutral face isn’t visually appealing enough for his tastes? If an old man at a bar decides it’s okay for him to touch my back without consent, am I supposed to just sit there in silence and accept the annoyance in stride? Obviously not, but for some reason, I feel this sense of obligation weighing on me during these seemingly insignificant interactions.

Sometimes I decide to act on this discomfort, only to be shot down by other men around me for “overreacting.” 

“Please don’t touch me.” I told the old man at the bar. 

“It’s just a touch. You need to calm down.” My male friend who was sitting with me quickly responded. “You’re totally overreacting.”

About a month ago, I met a girl outside of the bars who was feeling nervous about being alone in the city. She had just moved to Salt Lake City and didn’t really know anyone. I felt empathetic to her situation because I was also having the same experience. “I don’t feel comfortable with all these guys. I feel comfortable with you because you’re another woman.” She told me. I didn’t really know this girl at all, but I could understand why she might be feeling uncomfortable. 

Moments later, a guy neither of us knew put his arm around her, as though she was a possession. My first instinct was to take his arm off of her. Instantly, he started screaming at me. “HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT!?” All of his friends joined in, and suddenly the entire block was full of angry screaming men. Before I knew it, the two guys I was with pulled me away, holding my arms down so I couldn’t move. I tried to escape their grasp, but I couldn’t seem to regain my own sense of control. 

“We know that guy and we trust him. He’s not going to harm that girl in any way. Now’s not the time to be fighting for gender rights. They could have killed us.” They told me. I wondered to myself, “If now’s not the time, then when is the time? When I’m not disrupting too much?” All of a sudden this man’s inability to handle his emotions in a healthy manner without exploding were somehow my fault for instigating. It’s interesting how women are seen as “too emotional,” but we’re also responsible for the unstable emotions of over-excited men. 

Nobody’s emotions are my responsibility to handle except for my own. Of course, there are men who can handle rejection well and we don’t need to worry about their reactions, but this does not discount the many men who could snap at a moment’s notice. I worry sometimes if I say the wrong thing to one of these random men who think they deserve something that they will react to me in a way that puts my life in direct danger. I can’t know for sure which men cannot handle themselves and which ones can, and that is a real issue. (It would be so much easier if the volatile men could identify themselves so I can mentally prepare)

Regardless of the situation, I’m just tired of going though life with expectations placed upon me without my consent. I don’t owe anyone anything, and I’m tired of this invisible weight holding me down.