First Impressions of the “Real World”

I thought once I graduated from college, and started my “real adult life,” things would become more certain. There was so much anxiety and apprehension during my final year of college because I didn’t know what I was going to do or go after school ended, and I think I truly believed that the uncertainty would go away as soon as I found my next step.

Now I realize how ridiculous it was to worry so much about this first step. I believed that my first job would send me on some sort of trajectory that I couldn’t reverse once I started. I thought I would be locked into a particular life path, unable to escape, doomed if I made the wrong choice. 

Now that I’m in this first step, being a Field Guide for a Wilderness Therapy Program in Utah, I realize that my future will always be uncertain. There are so many paths I could take after this first job. I could go back to school and study something new. I could lean into the fields of psychology and social work even more. I could do something related to the environment, nature, or horticulture. Really any of the soft skills I’m developing could be applied to a variety of different fields. 

The future is uncertain and that is perhaps one of the most exciting things about life. We don’t have to do the same thing over and over again until we die just because we’ve committed to something for a short period of time. Life doesn’t have to follow a particular path, and really there is no use in even trying to predict where that path may take you. 

Always, there will be events that are out of our control. They will push us onto different trajectories and cause us to question everything we know and hold dear. Some of the most difficult things I’ve experienced in my life set me on the path I’m currently on. My mom leaving, moving out at 14, my step mother dying, just to name a few. They all rocked me to my core and allowed me to have an awakening of sorts. 

I reassessed my values and priorities in life. I thought about the role I played in the world and my worth as a human being. I realized that I was valuing achievement and success in school more than forming connections and relationships. Even deeper, I realized that I was never studying engineering because I truly enjoyed it, but rather because I thought it would set me up on a very prosperous path in life. 

Status was very important to me at points, and the desire to look good in the eyes of others ~ some sort of invisible audience ~ overshadowed my true passions. I exchanged my own sense of joy for meaningless approval from strangers. And for what? I don’t understand why I wasted so many years of my life thinking that academic achievement & good grades in an “impressive major” would eventually lead to deep satisfaction and happiness. 

I thought that if I pushed through the desperation and dissatisfaction for long enough, I would eventually reach some point of nirvana. The satisfaction never came until I decided that the path I was on was not the right one for me. I decided to change directions in life, and that has helped me to realize that my options are pretty limitless. 

There’s a part of me that loves the uncertainty. On good days, that part is excited and optimistic about the future, trusting that whatever is meant to happen will happen. However on bad days, that part is terribly anxious and paranoid about the future. The key is just finding that balance and learning to accept the mood of the day. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find that certainty I was so desperately seeking during my final year of college. Nothing is for sure, but maybe that’s okay.