No, love will not “save” you.

So I am not so sure why, but yesterday I had the sudden urge to watch the Bachelorette. I started a random season on Hulu, and I think I’m about three episodes in at this point. It’s mildly entertaining enough for me to continue watching, but there’s something that really rubs me the wrong way about this show.

Already, on multiple occasions, the Bachelorette has expressed this desire to be “saved” by a man. She said something along the lines of, “I could see myself giving my life to him, and he’d take care of me.”

At almost thirty years old, I’d say she’s more than capable of taking care of herself. And yet, this same mindset seems to come up time and time again in the context of love. Personally, I am not looking for someone to be my parent. And I sure as hell am not interested in taking on a motherly role in my romantic relationships.

It’s as though she isn’t really sure what she wants out of life and she’s looking for a man to provide her with the meaning that’s currently missing. But is that really fulfilling? To let someone else decide your path?

I mean, I get it. It’s not easy to figure out what you’re supposed to do with the little time you have alive. But maybe that’s the point? It’s not supposed to be easy. But to just let someone else choose for you seems like a waste.

Honestly I think it would be much more fulfilling to figure out a rough idea of the path you’d like to take, and then meet someone along the way who’s also going in the same direction. Then you both could push each other towards whatever goals you have and advance on your life paths together.

This mindset, that love conquers all, is incomplete. Of course love is a beautiful thing, but it’s not everything. To just so willingly give yourself away to someone who will “save” you is how people end up in toxic and controlling relationships.

It also takes you away from fully experiencing life. We’re meant to be confused for a while about what we want. Confusion is not a bad thing that we’re supposed to run away from. It just is something that everyone experiences to some degree.

And the whole idea that someone else is supposed to “take care” of us is kind of demeaning and, quite frankly, ridiculous.

The distinction between adult and child is that the former is responsible for taking care of themselves. Believing otherwise is degrading and infantilizes so many people (especially women).

It’s even more dangerous when two people, who expect the other to care for them, have children. This leads to kids growing up believing in this toxic idea of love. When people enter intimate relationships carrying a load of personal problems and insecurities, expecting their partner to fix all that’s “wrong” with them, it only compounds the existing issues and leads to incredibly unhealthy dynamics.

But I suppose this idea of love is so heavily ingrained into our very thought patterns, with shows like the Bachelorette (or the Bachelor) and unrealistically romantic movies, that it’s extremely difficult to deconstruct and actually end up in something relatively healthy and fulfilling.