I Was a “Difficult Teenager.”

One of the most frustrating aspects of growing up in an abusive household is that it’s extremely difficult for you to convince others that abuse is happening. Not only are family issues pretty taboo to even discuss, but the child is almost always blamed no matter the circumstances.

Among family and family friends, I was often seen as the “difficult child.” And maybe, told through the perspective of abusive tyrants, I was difficult. What can I say? I don’t like to be controlled.

And as the years went by that label turned into difficult teenager. I think we’re all too familiar with societal perceptions of teenagers. They talk back, sneak out, rebel against their parents. Whatever. Normal annoying kid things that are fueled by curiosity and a desire to cultivate some sort of identity. But what that label does is make the teenager feel shame for normal behavior. Talking back more and fighting back to protect yourself are normal behaviors if you are constantly being attacked. This is dangerous because shame silences. The normal behavior is re-framed in the mind of the teenager as rebellious behavior and the blame is automatically shifted onto them.

I won’t argue that I wasn’t your typical rebellious teenager to some degree. But I find, far too often, abuse in households that have teenagers is overlooked because of these deeply ingrained stereotypes.

Constant screaming, physical violence, threats of kicking a child out, insulting someone at the root of their very being. None of this is normal no matter how “difficult” a child or teenager may be.

But, getting involved as an outsider is not an easy feat. Of course, it’s important to keep in mind that there are multiple sides to a story. But inherently, regardless of the all the differing perspectives at play, the power imbalance is heavily skewed in the parents favor. If the aforementioned abuse is happening, or even if the child claims there to be unusual things happening in the household, they should always be believed initially.

I view this issue the same way I do sexual assault. If a woman (or man) claims they’ve been assaulted, they should be taken at face value and secured in a safe location before any sort of further investigation occurs.

Trivializing abuse by calling the teenager “difficult” is victim-blaming and damaging to the psyche of the kid. Children and teenagers are not old enough, nor developed enough, to take the entire blame of a two-way fight with their parents. Clearly, if conflict is happening so frequently in a house that the child feels unsafe, the actions of the parents should be looked at with much further scrutiny.

Out of the entire population, kids are, arguably, the most vulnerable. And after finally escaping the tight grasp of an abusive family, I still have years of inner work that need to be done in order to heal what has been damaged throughout the course of my life. I feel lucky that I was able to escape, but not everyone is quite so fortunate. And while I may have physically left some very toxic situations, doing so mentally is a completely different story.

I struggle internally with the fact that abuse is likely happening to children around me and I don’t yet have the means to help them. I worry about the social workers who are trying their best, but ultimately operate under a flawed system that doesn’t always ensure the safety of the children being hurt. I think about the phenomenon of generational cycles of abuse that have existed in families for – who knows how long? At the moment all I can do is try to break this cycle in myself. Unlearn all that I’ve been taught for the entirety of my life – from the very moment I was born (and even before I was born). Become aware of the patterns of abusers so that I don’t start a life with another or become one myself.

Abuse is hidden in the shadows, but if we want to put a stop to it, we must bring it to light. Stare it in the face. Sit with the discomfort of knowing that kids – probably even in our own neighborhoods – are scared. Trapped. Alone. And have no hope in sight.