i missyou

when i was younger,
id ask myself
“what is the meaning of life”
believing it to be a profound question
as though id eventually arrive at an answer
something that summed it all up

and the shit just kept happening
and none of it fit into a pattern
all random and tragic
mixed in
with a few moments of bliss

i made up meaning
as i went along
it fulfilled some deeper part of myself
that wanted things to mean something

i kept up the habit
of ascribing meaning to nothing
but now i see it in a different light
i get to choose my perception
there is no ultimate solution

it’s nonsensical, really.

we stress about things
that dont matter at all
wasting energy on drama
getting stuck in the past
constantly obsessed with the future

theyre both
not important in the slightest
and yet
the only things that matter

i do it all the time
and while im self aware
at times i cant stop myself

i dont recognize myself in the mirror
i wonder how i got here
feels like all of a sudden
everything has changed

i opened my eyes
years older
so much life
has already passed me by

i want to go back
to those last moments we were together
you asked me
to walk to the bookstore with you
but i already had plans
i was trying to get out as soon as possible

the thought of staying
a minute longer
seemed impossible to me
i wish i knew
that would be the last time i saw you

but im not sure any of it really matters
youre gone, as we’ll all be

i feel guilty
for feeling happy
when you never will

i miss you