Death, Confusion, and Healing

I used to be one of those students who studied all the time. Everyday I’d be in the library for hours, memorizing information, fully engrossed in my work. I really enjoyed this time. I thought engineering was truly fascinating. I loved the challenge associated with solving a system of equations.

For my whole life, school was my escape. When I was really into my work, everything else would fade away. All of the confusing family problems happening around me, that I honestly don’t even understand now, would disappear for a period of time. I was able to forget they even existed.

At school, I never really felt like I fit in. Other kids my age weren’t particularly nice to me. I didn’t feel like anyone ever accepted me fully. But, with academics as an escape, I ignored these issues as well.

I left for college and felt free for the first time. I compartmentalized my life. There was Tori at home and Tori at school. Whenever these two lives would cross, I felt uncomfortable. I wanted to erase Tori at home from my life. And for a while, this worked. I felt happy for the first time ever. I thought maybe things would be better and I could forget about everything that I had experienced.

Unfortunately, you cannot ignore your problems forever. All of a sudden, I felt like I was hit by a train. With no warning whatsoever, my stepmother died during my sophomore year of college. Feelings that I had been repressing for years finally came to surface and I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of addressing them.

The reality I had created at school, separate from life at home was invaded by these paralyzing emotions. I pretty much failed all my classes that semester, started smoking weed every second of everyday, and deteriorated from the inside out.

The love I had for math disappeared. I thought I was bad at engineering, too stupid to handle it. My entire identity felt like it was evaporating before my eyes. If I’m not smart, then what else is there? I had spent so long forming this identity that I didn’t know what to do when all of a sudden I felt like it wasn’t true.

Those overwhelming emotions I felt when she died come back randomly. All of a sudden I find myself crying. What makes this situation even more difficult is the fact that we did not have a good relationship. Grief is really fucking confusing.

When these difficult things happen in life, they change you. I broke a little bit, but I try to pretend like I haven’t. I try to pretend that I’m strong, that I’m taking it all in stride. And sometimes it feels like I am past it all. But occasionally, everything hits me all at once. My family looks at all that I’m doing, traveling the world, having cool experiences, and they tell me that I shouldn’t be upset about the past. I’ve made it. Or something.

Sadly, it is not so easy. It may look like on the surface I’m doing well, but really I’m just as confused as I’ve always been. I try to care about school, but when people can just die randomly, it makes me question how valuable school really is. When my own life could just end, or the life of anyone around me, what is the point of doing something that isn’t bringing me absolute joy?

I started to really assess my life this year, addressing all of the problems I had been avoiding, confronting fears I never thought I would, becoming (maybe a bit too) open online and in real life, cutting out negativity, and it’s really hard.

I don’t know what I’m doing, and it seems like many of the people in my life don’t know what they’re doing either. All of the questions I’d ask a trusted adult I try to find somewhere else because I don’t feel like I have one.

But despite it all, I am progressing. Each challenge forces me to reassess my trajectory and priorities. I am working really hard to address every problem that has been holding me back for so long. I sometimes fall into deep spirals, questioning everything, wondering if I will ever fully escape this hole.

Luckily, I have good people in my life. My friends have been amazing. I truly don’t know where I would be without them. They push me forward when I feel stagnant and confused. They listen to me as I ramble on and on, trying to fully understand what it means to heal.

I am determined to get past this and continue growing despite the fact that at times it seems like an endless blackhole full of confusion, existential worries, and internalized traumas.

But I need to remember that I am a work in progress, and the progress I have made over these past few years has been more than I ever thought was possible. I am grateful for this and excited to see how I develop over the course of my life. Each day will have a different challenge attached to it and I will continue to learn and grow through the struggle. Despite the fact that sometimes I want to, it is not necessary, or even possible, to take on every challenge at once.